As I sit at my desk, I allow my thoughts to wonder. Is it even worth trying these last few weeks I have left? I'm sure that's what Lucy would want at this point, if she's even real. I mean, I have to believe she is real even if I haven't seen her. That feeling was so distinct. So. Real.
Even now I am still so indecisive about the whole thing. There are times when that's all I can think about and it drives me crazy. A couple of nights ago, that very internal debate kept me up for hours after I had intended to go to bed. I didn't sleep very well after I eventually fell asleep.
I sometimes feel like I have conversations with her in my head. At this very moment, I feel as though she stands behind me, trying to direct my actions. All in a direction I once thought I might go. But. I know now, or at least I hope I do, that I can't go in that direction. She still wants me to. I think that it bugs her that if I change my ways that she'll never see me again. And. She doesn't like that.
Part of me wants to be with her but I have already made a choice that almost guarantees that that can't happen. In a tumult of words and opinions, she chose a path that I can not follow. I feel as if I tried to change her mind but she wanted something different. Something easy. Something with a guarantee. An offer that was too good to be true. And in the end, that's all it was.
A man who wanted something more. A thing that he could not obtain without the expense of someone else. He even convinced people to follow him in an attempt to steal what was not rightfully his. To this cause, he lost everything. Except, those that followed him. Even now he gains followers even though he has nothing to offer them.
They too lose everything. I feel as if they are even more dedicated to his cause because they are rather far down this path of his. Personally invested, at this point, you might say.
I now ponder all the things which they can not have; the things they will never personally experience. I am almost curious as to how much this annoys them. Is this the reason why they try to direct us to places we shouldn't go, do things we shouldn't do, and say things we shouldn't say? All the things we regret later in life? Can we really know for sure?
No, I don't think we will ever really know. At least not in this life. Not for sure but maybe we can guess. In the end, I don't believe we could really come close to knowing how bad things have gotten between us.
If we could talk with them, see them; would we cast them out like a bad memory or dream? Or, would we still love them as we once did? Could we even help them at this point or are they too far gone? Possibly even past feeling to accept any chance of redemption.
Maybe, just maybe, they could still have something. Another start. Another chance. Could they, would they change if they wanted? Is this why they act against us> so that we go to where they are? I can not say, for I don't know for sure.
Lucy, I so very much wish that I could help you. Take you into my arms once again. Be a friend and make epic memories like we used to. These things I miss. Would you? Could you? Please accept my open arms, my outstretched hand, and become friends again. I do miss you, Please believe that!